Soothing Separation Anxiety in Children: 6 Tips for Parents
Helpful tips for parents to ease separation anxiety in children. Practical advice to create a comforting environment at home.
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Separation anxiety in babies and toddlers is a natural part of their development.
However, it can be distressing for them and you as parents and in this article, we explore six tips to manage separation anxiety in children.
What is Separation Anxiety in Children, and is it Normal?
Separation anxiety refers to the anxiety a baby or young child experiences when their parents or caregivers leave their side.
It first manifests when babies are 4-5 months old and becomes more intense around nine months. Some infants and toddlers never experience this anxiety, while others do in a severe form.
According to Katie K. Lockwood, MD, MEd, a Pediatrician at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP), “separation anxiety in babies between 9 and 18 months of age is very normal, and typically fades over time“.
Separation anxiety is a sign that your child misses you when you are not with him and that he is reaching a milestone of healthy development.
By the time they go to school, most children will leave separation anxiety behind them. However, you should know that when this anxiety persists into later childhood, particularly in an intense form of manifestation, you and your child might be dealing with separation anxiety disorder (CSAD). CSAD is a mental health issue, and if you have concerns about this condition, contact a doctor or paediatrician for guidance and support.
What Causes Separation Anxiety?
The cause of separation anxiety in children depends widely on the child’s age and development. It can appear when infants begin to acknowledge object permanence. Object permanence represents the understanding that people and objects continue to exist, even when they cannot see them. Infants start to understand this around 6-12 months. What causes separation anxiety is that babies cannot understand the notion of time and do not know when their parents or caregivers will return. That is why they become afraid, agitated, and very often begin to cry.
Toddlers have a vague understanding of the notion of time. It helps them manage better the separation from their caregivers, which usually decreases in intensity during this stage of childhood.
While for many small children, this separation fades as they grow, some factors can trigger or increase it, such as:
- a new or unfamiliar setting;
- changing the place they live in;
- the arrival of a sibling;
- a new caregiver;
- long periods of absence from one of the parents;
- feeling hungry, tired or ill.
As a parent, you can manage these factors with effort and plenty of patience and affection for your little one
What are 5 Symptoms of Separation Anxiety?
Common symptoms of separation anxiety in children include:
- the child is very clingy even when he is at home with you;
- he is afraid of strangers;
- he cries when you leave the room;
- asks you to stay with him until he falls asleep;
- the little one wakes up during the night and cries for you.
These symptoms can become (more) obvious when he experiences a change, such as starting daycare, switching school or moving to a new home.
But just as you learned to adapt during childhood, your junior will do the same if you teach him how.
What is the Difference Between Clingy and Separation Anxiety?
Although they share some common characteristics, the most significant differentiation between clinginess and separation anxiety is when it begins and its duration.
Clinginess usually appears when a triggering event occurs, like telling your child you leave. It lasts a few days to a few weeks and fades away progressively. Around the age of 4 or 5, your child will no longer be clingy, a sign that he is entering a new stage of childhood development.
Separation anxiety debuts before and continues throughout an event until your child is back in a familiar setting. It lasts more than four weeks, accentuates over time and can be evident even after your little one turns 4.
6 Tips for Soothing Separation Anxiety in Children
Prepare beforehand
Tell your child what to expect before a change in his routine takes place. If he starts or returns to daycare, kindergarten or school, speak positively about the activities that await him in this setting and mention the things you know he likes and that will take place there.
By talking with him in an optimistic tone, you ease his anxiety and prevent any surprise reactions he might have once this new routine begins.
Pay attention to your emotions
Children can sense you, and what you feel will make them associate the new event you prepare them for with the emotions you experience.
If you are stressed, scared or anxious about this event, your little one will become clingy and experience a high level of separation anxiety.
Although difficult sometimes, manifest calm and confidence that everything will be alright. This way, you encourage your child to do the same.
Say goodbye short and sweet
Create a simple goodbye ritual with your child, such as a hug, a kiss and a reassurance phrase. You can say something like: “I love you. You will have tons of fun today with your teacher and friends, and I can’t wait to hear all about it when I pick you up“. This helps convey optimism in your child and reassures him that you will be together again very soon.
Don’t linger! Give your little one your attention and love, and then leave.
Let him know when you will return
When leaving your child with someone else, explain that you will be gone for a little while, and then you will come back. As he gets older, he begins to understand these explanations, which ease his anxiety in your absence.
You can provide a timeframe, adapted to his level of understanding, such as: “I will be back after your nap to take you home“.
To prevent the separation anxiety in children from spiking, make sure you ALWAYS return on time.
Listen to him and acknowledge his feelings
It is vital for children to feel heard and seen without being interrupted or their emotions being disregarded or not valued.
Let your little one share his distress and anxiety, whether he cries, speaks without pausing or starts a fight with you.
Then focus his attention on a positive element like reinforcing the immense love you feel for him, telling him how much you will miss him too and that you have put in his lunch box a little surprise (like a sticker with his favourite animated character or a handwritten note for older children). This is how he will know throughout the day that you are also thinking about him.
Never leave without saying goodbye
Sneaking away without him noticing will create a lack of trust in you and a constant worry in your child that you could disappear at any moment. This worsens the separation anxiety, so you must say goodbye every time you leave. It conveys a sense of security in your child, as he will know what to expect, including you returning for him later.
Connection, communication, and affection help your child understand that when you leave, you will honour your promise and return for him. This contributes to decreasing separation anxiety in children and making them feel more comfortable when you are separated.
We've put together some helpful articles about childcare and daycare in New Zealand
Toddler Milestones: What to Expect in the Second Year
Soothing Separation Anxiety: 6 Tips for Parents
Building a Strong Parent-toddler Bond: Quality Time and Connection
How do you Juggle Being a Working from Home Mum?
How to Develop Communication Skills in Preschoolers
How Do I Prepare My 2-Year-old for Daycare?
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